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all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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