i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
