I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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