dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
