I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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