If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
