We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
