dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
