The best revenge is premature balding
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
