Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize