i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
