I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
where are my eyebrows?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
