I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
