My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
