I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
