Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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