Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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