Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
