Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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