theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
