you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
