Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
