I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
