As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
