I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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