just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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