Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
