I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can Purell be used as lube?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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