trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
