I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
