im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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