hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
