I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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