Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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