i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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