Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
