I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
