I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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