i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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