I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
