Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
