I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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