Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
