I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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