dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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