I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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