Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
