When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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