Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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