Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
