There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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