I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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