First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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