life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
